


I Did It

by Absent_Anathema



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Body Dysmorphic Disorder, First-fic, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicide, This is Bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-16
Updated: 2017-01-16
Packaged: 2018-09-18 00:32:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9354614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Absent_Anathema/pseuds/Absent_Anathema
Summary: Josh's post-show routine gets shaken up a bit by an old enemy. It's time to say goodbye.This is my first fanfiction and it's as awful as I am. I apologize.





	

**Author's Note:**

> TW for self-harm, suicide, and possibly eating disorders. Please be careful.

"Night, Jishwa."

"G'night, Baby Boy."

 

Josh turned around and headed toward his bus, letting his well-worn smile drop off of his face. Already his thoughts were coming faster, his chest tightening. The drummer blinked rapidly and forced a deep breath.  _Just make it until you're locked in the bathroom, you pathetic piece of shit._ He nods at Brad in the small living room as he heads to the thankfully, unoccupied bathroom, quickly grabbing random clothes from his bag as he passes.

 

After relieving himself and brushing his teeth without looking in the mirror, Josh stripped off his sweaty outfit and turned on the shower. Then he finally turned and let his trembling body be savagely picked apart by harsh eyes.  _You disgust me. Just look at you. Look at all of the fat where muscle should be. Love handles and how the hell do you manage to have a six pack AND a fucking gut? Oh, yeah, maybe it's all the damn beer you drink off tour._

 

Tears were filling his angry eyes as he stared at everything imperfect on his body. Calloused hands pinched his hips and stomach mercilessly. It hurt but he didn't care. He deserved to hurt. Slowly, his gaze traveled lower in the mirror, to his scarred thighs.  _Muscle won't help your thighs look any better. They're always going to be thick and pale. Ugly. Why don't you add a few more scars? It doesn't matter, no one will see. No one will ever want to touch you like that._

 

With shaky hands, Josh reached into his bundle of clothes and pulled out a small tin. Inside it were five razor blades, a role of medical tape, and a few gauze pads. He grasped a blade between his thumb and forefinger and brought it to the top of his right thigh.  _It's what you deserve, Joshie._ He pressed down hard and dragged the metal through his flesh.  _One is never enough. You threw a stick tonight._ The blade moved against his reddening skin again.  _Remember that fan that only wanted to touch Tyler for your meet and greet photo?_ He cut twice more, salty tears falling and mixing with his blood.

 

_Do you think Tyler really loves you?_ A hand is quickly shoved into his mouth to muffle the loud sob that starts to escape.  _He seems more and more interested in adding new members to the band when interviewers bring it up._ _He can't stand spending all his time with you._ Yellow hair shakes as his head frantically moves side-to-side.  _Yes, Josh. After all of these years, he's finally realized that you're a mistake. He doesn't want you, he regrets letting you join him._

 

"S-stop, please." Josh whimpered. He couldn't hear anymore, it was too much.  _Why should I stop? This is what you need. You need to be punished for being a fuck-up. You need to be hurt for staying alive._ Blood is pooling around his legs and starting to seep out from under the door. His hand is still pushing the razor deeper each slice.

 

_How can you be this selfish? How can you do this to him? You know Tyler is too kind to ever tell you that he wants you gone. You'd have to leave. You'd have to **die.**_ Josh let his hand stop slicing his thigh and moved it to his left forearm. He looked at the dirty blade through his blurry vision as it hovered over a vein.  _If you love him, you'll leave him like he wants to leave you. It's the only way he'll be free, the only way he can ever be happy. You have to do this._

 

"I have to do this. I have to save him." Josh whispered with determination at discovering his new purpose. Squeezing his eyes shut and imagining his best friend, the love of his life, smiling and happy without him, he pushed the blade as hard as he could into his arm and dragged all the way to his hand. He felt hot blood spurting out and smiled.

 

_Well done. It'll be okay now, you can't hurt him anymore. You can't hurt anyone anymore. It's time to say goodbye, Joshie._

 

"Goodbye, Blurry." Josh managed before releasing the razor his hand was still grasping. His body sagged sideways, still leaking tears and sliding through red. As he drifted ever closer to unconsciousness, the drummer felt the beat of his heart start to fade. He drew a shuddering breath and whispered out his last words,

 

"G'night, Baby Boy. I did it."

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. Josh is beautiful, I am not.


End file.
